I’ve had about 10 days now where I’ve been housebound and effectively bedroom bound. This has given much time for thought, though I have to admit the thought hasn’t been as focused as it could be nor organised nor particularly constructive and helpful …. work to do here then over the coming weeks!
One thing I have been doing a lot of is staring out of the window – literally. Whilst each day appears like groundhog day and the view from the window never seems to change much, this unchanging scenery can mask significant change and turmoil. The view hasn’t changed a great deal but the last two weeks has been a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences.
I’ve experienced the emotional hell of the serious risk that I could be unemployed by September 1st (with the thought of having a mortgage to pay and no ability to actively look for work for at least 12 weeks) and having to (rhetorically) fight for my job. I’ve then had the sheer relief that I will have a job in September. (I’m not going to go into detail about this – yet – too raw and controversial at the moment) I’ve had the anxiety of preparing myself for a significant operation whose recovery means being housebound for weeks and in pain as well as an understanding that it won’t work. I’ve had the sheer joy of watching my football team get promoted to the Premier league by playing lovely entertaining football. I’ve had the emotions of trying to fight to keep hold of my seat on my local Town Council (OK not big politics but for me very meaningful) whilst not being able to actively campaign and then the disappointment of finding out that I’ve lost my seat (by a narrow margin) with the associated thoughts of rejection and how I could have done a better job as a councillor that followed this.
The point of this post however is not to elicit sympathy (not needed and not wanted) but to make the point that time grinds on relentlessly giving no thoughts to events. In two weeks I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions from the depths of quite possibly the worst day of my life to feelings of relief and joy along with expectation, anticipation, disappointment, rejection and all sorts of other emotions both positive and negative. The one thing I’ve been thinking about is the adage (I think it is an aphorism from Nietzsche) that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I’m looking back on the last two week and thinking that the depths I didn’t enjoy have been necessary in order to give me the kick up the backside my resilience and complacency needed.